Okay, so why do women ignore the perfectly nice and stable boring guys or even worse, go out with them, marry them, develop a scathing hatred for them, abuse them, dump them, and then divorce them?
This happens all the time. Normal boring guys can’t seem to find love – everyone ignores them, even when they have seemingly impressive assets, like a good job, a nice home, a stable personality, and a good reputation.
Or, even more commonly, normal boring people get together, get married, get a life, have kids, and then engage in a long drawn-out bitter divorce in which immense quantities of pure hatred are unleashed, all out of proportion to the stature of the normal boring people who are experiencing them. Why do women treat boring guys so badly, both before and after having sex with them? Why the hatred? Why do things go so wrong?
The reason is that boringness signals an inability to love. This little flaw is a big problem for both sexes when they encounter it in a potential mate but it shows itself a little more socially explicitly with women.
Women’s evolutionary brains put a big premium on the ability to love or get strongly attached because the presence of the ability to love deeply indicates the kind of chemical makeup of someone who could make deep or difficult sacrifices on behalf of children or the needy and vulnerable. Women’s evolutionary brains value this highly because the world being the way it is, they figure that such sacrifices are probably gonna be necessary at some point. Shit happens, children require sacrifices, war happens, and it requires sacrifices, people get sick and have to be taken care of, resources get low and things look bleak – and women want someone who will stick by them through all that because they figure they’re going to fucking need it. There’s nothing like an evolutionary brain realizing that if it’s going to reproduce it had better figure on having some helpless hungry little ones clinging to it for a long time to make it really fucking perk up when it sees someone it thinks will help them when they need it.
Women want someone who will get so fucking attached to them that they’ll stick with them even when common fucking sense and self-interest would argue against it. They want an irrational attachment that will outlast all the bad fucking shit life has to offer and just bond itself to them chemically come hell or high water. Men want this too but their systems for perceiving this are slightly different than women’s. So women want to be loved – not just loved but loved a lot, not just loved a lot but beyond all common fucking sense, not just beyond common sense but deeply into the kind of irrationality that would make a man risk his fucking life to go off to war just to protect her and the kids. Women’s evolutionary brains want to see that you’re the kind of guy with the attachment chemicals that would make you go into a fucking burning building to pull out your child. If you don’t have these kinds of chemicals, their brains are at first disappointed, then frustrated, then threatened, then rageful, then murderous – and then finally, if you survive all this, contemptuous and dismissive. If you can’t fucking hang, their evolutionary brains don’t want you.
This may or may not be to your advantage. You may or may not have these chemicals. You may or may not want to go into a burning building to rescue your child. The problem is that boring guys do their absolute fucking accidental best to convince everyone that they have no fucking chemicals whatsoever, let alone ones that would allow them to really love someone. Get someone like this into a marriage and let them prove that they don’t and things can get really ugly. Lack of chemicals in a marriage can have dire consequences! It’s not just that the woman who will eventually divorce you for this reason will try to take all your money, it’s that they will want to make you miserable for the rest of your life as a way trying to prove to you that not having chemicals is bad and wrong.
This is the essence of the boringness problem or the boring guy problem – lack of chemicals. It can be a bitch. Particularly when the boring guy in question, whether married or dating, or just hoping to date, feels that their chemicals are perfectly acceptable and that they have made and continue to make more than enough sacrifices to satisfy anyone reasonable. They think they are nice. They think they have done enough. They think they do more than enough, more than the jerks their girlfriends leave them for. They buy nice little gifts perhaps, they say sweet little things occasionally, they are patient and forbearing and even-tempered. And still it’s not enough! How fucking unfair is that? What the fuck are these chemicals they are lacking and where the fuck do they come from?
It’s sort of unfair, and the chemicals come from emotions. This is an oversimplification but it’s close enough for our purposes. Emotions signal the body to start pumping out chemicals of various sorts in preparation for an emergency, a decision, or an important situation. Emotions give the oomph! to brain processing. Boring guys are not real fond of ooomph.
To generate the emotions that generate chemicals you need pictures in your head. Imagination. Possibilities, potentials, disasters in the offing, triumphs in the making, big rewards, terrible punishments, redemption, heroism, romance, and fantasies of large sums of money that you don’t have. Stuff that isn’t happening but that if it did would have an impact, make a difference. You need to be looking at these pictures of things that aren’t happening and comparing them to what is happening in order to decide what’s good and bad, valuable and worthless, and so on. You need sharp enough contrasts between what is happening and what could be happening to generate strong values, deep feelings, and big chemicals.
Boring people don’t do this. They don’t like strong contrasts because contrasts make them uncomfortable. They don’t like sharp clear values because they might have to take a stand for them. They don’t like big feelings because they might not be able to handle them. And they don’t like big chemicals because they take energy and they’d rather conserve their resources and skip the whole thing.
Let’s take an example of how to be boring and not boring. You look at your imaginary life a year from now. You see a modest increase in income, some small but necessary repairs to the house, the possibility that the oldest will need braces, the need for new exercise equipment and the potential for improving your lawn and garden by planting new hedges. Everything else pretty much stays the way it is now. BORING!!!!!
No chemicals are being generated. Now let’s take a different look. You look one year into the imaginary future and see that your ass is grass unless you fucking figure out some way to make more money! You see that you don’t get along with your boss and you’ll fucking kill him if you can’t get transferred the hell out of his division. You see that you’re not getting any younger which not only causes mild panic because there’s so fucking much you wanted to do with your life but is also ridiculously unfair because you’re not getting any wiser either. You see all these different things you’d like to do and try which you probably won’t have time for, but you wish you did. You look at the contrasting pictures of how life is, how you’d like it to be, and how it’s probably gonna be and you get all mixed up and your chemicals starting milling around trying to figure out what to do and the next thing you know you are suddenly crabby and having an argument with your significant other in which you are bitching and moaning and whining because you never have enough fucking time for anything!
And she gets all pissed off at you and the 2 of you shout and by the time it’s over you have sex and she feels all bonded to you and secretly believes that she scored big time bagging you because you have chemicals and you care about things. What you care about that Mr. Boring Guy didn’t is not just how things are gonna be but how you’d like them to be. Your whiny complaint about lack of time indicated, underneath it all, that there are still things you believe in and want to do and you care enough about them to get all crabby because you can’t have them.
This is exactly what boring people don’t do. They don’t look at how they’d really like things to be. If you don’t look at that, it’s hard to generate chemicals. And if you don’t generate chemicals, you don’t generate caring. And if you don’t generate caring, you don’t generate love and attachment.
Boring people don’t look at how they’d really like things to be because that isn’t the way they are. Boring people figure it’s no use and it’s just painful to think about how they’d really like things to be because yeah right, like that’s really ever going to happen. And so they tamp down the contrasts in their pictures, tamp down the emotion, tamp down the chemicals, and tamp down everything else. Women will fucking hate you if you do that. If you’re not in love with something that’s never gonna fucking happen, if you can’t be irrational enough to manage that, how the fuck are you ever gonna be irrational enough to be in love with them? You aren’t. They’re a lot harder to love than your silly little dreams and if you are not man enough to handle having a few dreams, you are probably not man enough to handle jack shit. At least that’s how their evolutionary brain reasons.
Not only that, they figure you’re not really gonna care when they’re not there for you when your chips are down. Because all you ever think about is the daily details of life and not the coulds and wish it was’s, so you don’t even bother to imagine that anyone would ever truly fucking care for you. You’re all practicality and no fantasy. Which means that whatever love they have for you is pretty fucking useless since you don’t care anyway, right? Exactly the sort of reasoning that generates chemicals all right – get me the fuck out of this boring marriage chemicals.
This is the essence of the Women Want A Man With Potential myth. People notice that women always go for the guy with the dreams, that she seems to fall in love with what he could be rather than what he is. What she is actually falling in love with is his ability to generate big chemicals, what she is actually falling in love with is his ability to love.
You may not have a significant other, you may just want to attract one. But let me tell you, if you run around unconsciously killing your own & other people’s How I Wish It Was’s, in favor of I’m Sure You’ll be Impressed to Learn What A Secure Job I Have, you might as well just make a fucking announcement to the woman’s evolutionary brain – I will never fucking love you. The women you attract with that gambit will be ones that don’t want to be loved. And there are some. You might as well get used to going out with them.
You may think that balancing your checkbook or taking care of business indicates love or the desire to provide or be practical or take care of people and so on. It doesn’t, not unless you combine it with chemicals. To avoid the abuse the boring are eventually subjected to, you need to be clutching an improbable dream, no matter how practical you are.
Let me repeat, you do not have to run around being all fucking emotional all the time. What you need to do is be clutching some improbable dreams hard enough to let your desire for them leak out occasionally whether it be in crabbiness, or enthusiasm, or irrational babbling. An improbable dream is not that you will get the garage cleaned out this Sunday. An improbable dream is that you could be a really good rock guitarist. Improbable. Not merely unlikely, like the clean garage dream. Improbable means life-changing, life-enhancing, it does not mean sorting your socks. Want something bad enough to get pissed that you don’t have it. It’s not the getting it that’s important – it’s the wanting it. A woman will put up with a lot of not getting from a man who displays a lot of wanting. Turn some of that excess wanting toward her, and she’ll stick like glue. That’s all there is to it.
The unfair part for boring guys (and women) everywhere is that there are good reasons why you are not clutching your improbable dreams, advertising your chemicals, and avoiding the scathing contempt of the people you will eventually marry. The reason is that you already have an improbable dream.
The improbable dream is that you will be loved. This little fucking dream has become so improbable in your mind that you don’t even fucking bother to haul it out of your heart and spit-polish it occasionally. You don’t even really look at the sucker, because what’s the fucking use? You have buried it and don’t look at the pictures it produces. But it leaks out anyway. It leaks out anyway and what it announces to the woman who is not only going to divorce you but divorce you with great bitterness is that it’s never gonna fucking be about how much you love her, it’s always going to be about whether she loves you. And no matter how much she does, it’ll never be enough because you won’t even look at the fucking improbable dream long enough to tell if it’s fucking coming true.
A buried dream can’t come true.
You can’t be satisfied by getting something you have given up even fucking wanting. If you don’t experience the wanting, the getting will be absolutely fucking useless.
To put it another way, you are a boring guy because you didn’t get enough love as a kid. If that’s not the worst fucking pathetic reason for a fucked up marriage or fucked up love life I don’t know what is. And yet there you have it. Happens all the fucking time. Happens more often than not. Happens to not quite everybody but close enough. That’s just the way life is. It’s staggering how many incredibly normally boring people fling themselves at me who have never really loved anyone or had anyone love them back. I can’t fix all that in a page or two, although god knows I would if I could. But I can lay it out for you so you can decide what to do about it – such as ignoring it completely.
In your route to boringness, you followed these steps. Unfollow everything in Step 1 in reverse order and you will eventually free yourself of this problem. If for some reason you want to. Which you probably don’t.
Step 1: Be a kid. Look around at life. Realize that it is not the way you want it to be. Realize there is nothing you can do about this. Figure that if you had more love coming your way it would be more like you want it to be. Figure that’s not going to fucking happen. Don’t tell anyone you want more love than you’re actually getting – because that would jeopardize whatever love you can actually obtain. Tell yourself that if anyone actually really loved you enough, you would love them back so hard and so much. Practice this part on your cat or dog or stuffed animals. Think about your situation a little. Sigh. Get depressed. Realize that if you think about what you really want but can’t have it can get really painful. Even more than painful, it can get scary. The sensation of not having enough love to get what you want can feel a little life-threatening. The sensation of not being able to give you the love you have can feel just as life-threatening. Because it is. People need both. You aren’t getting enough of either. Decide you don’t want your life threatened. Stop thinking about what you really want. Stop thinking about more love. Make do with what you have. Practice this philosophy endlessly. Promise yourself that you can keep your dream of having all the love you would ever need to get everything you want – as long as you never bum yourself out by looking at it.
Step 2: Grow up. Don’t even think about changing the practices it took you so long to master. Keep your dream locked up like a stack of diamonds in a safe deposit box. Get paranoid that people will find out about your dream because it’s so fucking precious and valuable naturally they are going to want to steal it away. Try to mate.
Step 3: Start thinking to yourself, my precious diamond dream of having enough love to get whatever I want would look really good on this mate person. It’s a beautiful diamond dream and this is a beautiful person. They would complement each other perfectly. But I can’t take it out of the safe deposit box and display it because it’s so fucking valuable they would probably try to steal it. Maybe I should trust them. Maybe I shouldn’t. Here’s what I’ll do – I’ll decide that if they prove, if they show me they really love me and I can trust them then I’ll take it out. So I’ll keep hinting around that I have some diamonds. But if confronted I’ll deny it. I’ll look for them to prove they love me and then they can see my diamonds.
Step 4: Implement this strategy. Bring your little gifts, your little sweet gestures, your little attempts to show affection, your small commitments, trot them out as hints that you possess more where that came from – you have actual fucking diamonds. When the other person suspects you might have love diamonds you are hiding and confronts you in an argument or stressful situation, when they try to find out if you really love them – vigorously deny it. Panic. Pretend you don’t know anything about it. Lie hard. Act like you don’t love them and you don’t care if they love you. Refuse to argue. Don’t get mad. Put things in perspective. Focus on the practical. Calm things down. Get rational. Argue on what is’s and not the what could be’s. Avoid the L-word. Feel uptight and paranoid and inadequate and insecure. Figure these things will just signal that you are hiding precious diamonds. Act like you don’t care. Stay calm. Keep things on the surface. Don’t really ask them if they love you – you don’t want to know. Try to act like you are just concerned about them and not yourself. Distract them from thinking about your hidden diamonds by focusing on them. Act like they need your help and not your diamonds. Try to help them. Feel like a slug of cement when it doesn’t work and you subliminally realize that at this rate they will never be worthy to see your diamonds. Get worried that all your hiding and denying will blow things and maybe they really do love you and they are the one you should show your diamonds to. Feel guilty. Use the L-word. Try hard to get along. Be nice. Smooth problems over. Keep things light. Keep things practical. Be glad you are not dealing with the harrowing business of pulling valuable diamonds out of a safe deposit box. Be glad you didn’t trust them before. Repeat endlessly.
Step 5: Experience ever-escalating abuse and criticism as the one you have mated with pokes and prods you for those goddamn fucking diamonds you hinted at. Experience their anger and betrayal at your false promises. Listen as they tell everyone, including you, how you never really loved them, never really cared, how you were unsupportive, ungiving, uncharitable, unsympathetic, uninspiring, and they fucking despise you. Clam up. You are certainly not going to show your diamonds to someone like this. Make a vow to yourself that they could kill you before you’d show them your diamonds. Watch them try. Realize how incredibly fucking right you were not to pull any fucking diamonds out of their safe place. Think to yourself that everything they have said about you just proves how wrong they were. You are incredibly loving, you have secret diamonds. They just don’t know about them.
Step 6: Get left, get divorced. Get taken to the cleaners. Get lonely. Start thinking to yourself ‘you know if I could find the right mate, I bet my secret diamonds would look really good on them.’ Start cautiously looking. Do not realize this will never work. Do not realize that no one knows about your secret diamonds, as far as they are concerned they don’t fucking exist. You may pull in another sucker with your hints, but the reality is, you have no fucking diamonds until you pull them out of the goddamn fucking safe deposit box and start using them. Completely fail to realize this and get yourself into exactly the same type of relationship you had before. Repeat endlessly.
That’s your steps. They are incredibly logical. They make complete sense and are not only sensible but sane. You were not stupid to follow them, or irrational, or a dweeb or defective. The only problem is they don’t work. Of course, you don’t fucking want to commit to loving someone else until they love you first, because as you know from experience, it fucking sucks when someone doesn’t love you. But logical as it is, it’s an endless loop. No one is ever really going to fucking love you until you can commit to loving first. This is hideously unfair, inconvenient, risky, and painful. Also it’s terrible. But that’s just the way it is.
So you unfollow the path that got you here – in reverse order. So you start off by loving something small and not life-threatening. An improbable dream. You don’t start off back at the beginning when you were a kid and there was nothing you could do and the situation was life-threatening. You start off now and you follow step 1 in reverse order. You pull out your fucking diamonds and look at them. Dust them off and look at your dreams. They’re nice. You like them. Some are old and can be discarded or remounted in a prettier setting or what have you. Spruce the fuckers up. Maybe you don’t still want to be a professional baseball player. On the other hand, maybe it’s good to remember your passion for baseball and how much you love it. Examine your dreams. Get a little excited.
Then realize that you don’t need all the fucking love it would take to get everything you want – but you could sure do with a lot more than you’re getting. You’ve been making do with nothing but the fake collateral of some old diamonds. Hell you’ve lived this fucking long without love – you can live awhile longer. But it sure would be nice to have it.
Realize then you don’t have to fucking make do with what you have – you can go for more. Start thinking about more love. Giving and receiving. Coming and going. In and out. It’s not such a terrible thing. Think a lot more about what you really want out of life. Realize your life is not actually threatened. If someone doesn’t love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you. If you love someone and they don’t love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you. If you tell someone you love them, show it, reveal it, and they don’t love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you. Get used to this idea. It will take awhile. A long while. Realize that if they do love you, that won’t kill you either. Get used to this idea. It will take awhile. A long while.
Realize that love could be painful. It could lead and will lead to wanting things you don’t actually have at the given moment. Big things. Improbable things. Chemical things. Scary things. Realize you can handle it. Practice. Increase your tolerance for pain. Realize that you had very little before. Realize how shut down you were, how you dismissed everything and made it boring. Realize your bitch of an ex-wife was right. Say to yourself – ‘what do you fucking know? She was right all along.’ Don’t worry about it. That was then, this is now.
Get depressed, get un-depressed, deal with it. Swing wider in your thoughts, higher and lower in your reactions. Start fucking loving life. Stop fucking caring whether you ever find someone you can show off your diamonds on, hell, you are having too good a time with them yourself. Find someone you do love anyway, and give them your diamonds. Get all fucking happy when they accept them. Live happily ever after. Enjoy.
And you thought life was complicated.