Boring guy’s lament….

Okay, so why do  women ignore the perfectly nice and stable boring guys or even worse, go out  with them, marry them, develop a scathing hatred for them, abuse them, dump  them, and then divorce them?

This happens all the time.  Normal boring guys can’t seem to find love – everyone ignores them, even when  they have seemingly impressive assets, like a good job, a nice home, a stable  personality, and a good reputation.

Or, even more commonly,  normal boring people get together, get married, get a life, have kids, and then  engage in a long drawn-out bitter divorce in which immense quantities of pure  hatred are unleashed, all out of proportion to the stature of the normal boring  people who are experiencing them. Why do women treat boring guys so badly,  both before and after having sex with them? Why the hatred? Why do things go  so wrong?

The  reason is that boringness signals an inability to love. This little flaw is a  big problem for both sexes when they encounter it in a potential mate but it  shows itself a little more socially explicitly with women.

Women’s  evolutionary brains put a big premium on the ability to love or get strongly  attached because the presence of the ability to love deeply indicates the kind  of chemical makeup of someone who could make deep or difficult sacrifices on  behalf of children or the needy and vulnerable. Women’s evolutionary brains  value this highly because the world being the way it is, they figure that such  sacrifices are probably gonna be necessary at some point. Shit happens, children  require sacrifices, war happens, and it requires sacrifices, people get sick and  have to be taken care of, resources get low and things look bleak – and women  want someone who will stick by them through all that because they figure they’re  going to fucking need it. There’s nothing like an evolutionary brain  realizing that if it’s going to reproduce it had better figure on having some  helpless hungry little ones clinging to it for a long time to make it really  fucking perk up when it sees someone it thinks will help them when they need it.

Women want  someone who will get so fucking attached to them that they’ll stick with them  even when common fucking sense and self-interest would argue against it. They  want an irrational attachment that will outlast all the bad fucking shit life  has to offer and just bond itself to them chemically come hell or high water.  Men want this too but their systems for perceiving this are slightly different  than women’s. So women want to be loved – not just loved but loved a lot, not  just loved a lot but beyond all common fucking sense, not just beyond common  sense but deeply into the kind of irrationality that would make a man risk  his fucking life to go off to war just to protect her and the kids. Women’s  evolutionary brains want to see that you’re the kind of guy with the attachment  chemicals that would make you go into a fucking burning building to pull out  your child. If you don’t have these kinds of chemicals, their brains are at  first disappointed, then frustrated, then threatened, then rageful, then  murderous – and then finally, if you survive all this, contemptuous and  dismissive. If you can’t fucking hang, their evolutionary brains don’t want  you.

This may or  may not be to your advantage. You may or may not have these chemicals. You may  or may not want to go into a burning building to rescue your child. The  problem is that boring guys do their absolute fucking accidental best to  convince everyone that they have no fucking chemicals whatsoever, let alone  ones that would allow them to really love someone. Get someone like this into a  marriage and let them prove that they don’t and things can get really ugly. Lack of chemicals in a marriage can have dire consequences! It’s  not just that the woman who will eventually divorce you for this reason will try  to take all your money, it’s that they will want to make you miserable for the  rest of your life as a way trying to prove to you that not having chemicals is  bad and wrong.

This is  the essence of the boringness problem or the boring guy problem – lack of  chemicals. It can be a bitch. Particularly when the boring guy in question,  whether married or dating, or just hoping to date, feels that their chemicals  are perfectly acceptable and that they have made and continue to make more than  enough sacrifices to satisfy anyone reasonable. They think they are nice. They  think they have done enough. They think they do more than enough, more than the  jerks their girlfriends leave them for. They buy nice little gifts perhaps, they  say sweet little things occasionally, they are patient and forbearing and  even-tempered. And still it’s not enough! How fucking unfair is that? What the fuck are these chemicals they are lacking and where the fuck do  they come from?

It’s sort  of unfair, and the chemicals come from emotions. This is an  oversimplification but it’s close enough for our purposes. Emotions signal the  body to start pumping out chemicals of various sorts in preparation for an  emergency, a decision, or an important situation. Emotions give the oomph! to  brain processing. Boring guys are not real fond of ooomph.

To generate  the emotions that generate chemicals you need pictures in your head.  Imagination. Possibilities, potentials, disasters in the offing, triumphs in the  making, big rewards, terrible punishments, redemption, heroism, romance, and  fantasies of large sums of money that you don’t have. Stuff that isn’t  happening but that if it did would have an impact, make a difference. You  need to be looking at these pictures of things that aren’t happening and  comparing them to what is happening in order to decide what’s good and bad,  valuable and worthless, and so on. You need sharp enough contrasts between what  is happening and what could be happening to generate strong values, deep  feelings, and big chemicals.

Boring  people don’t do this. They don’t like strong contrasts because contrasts make  them uncomfortable. They don’t like sharp clear values because they might have  to take a stand for them. They don’t like big feelings because they might not be  able to handle them. And they don’t like big chemicals because they take energy  and they’d rather conserve their resources and skip the whole thing.

Let’s take  an example of how to be boring and not boring. You look at your imaginary life a  year from now. You see a modest increase in income, some small but necessary  repairs to the house, the possibility that the oldest will need braces, the need  for new exercise equipment and the potential for improving your lawn and garden  by planting new hedges. Everything else pretty much stays the way it is now. BORING!!!!!

No chemicals  are being generated. Now let’s take a different look. You look one year into the  imaginary future and see that your ass is grass unless you fucking figure out  some way to make more money! You see that you don’t get along with your boss and  you’ll fucking kill him if you can’t get transferred the hell out of his  division. You see that you’re not getting any younger which not only causes mild  panic because there’s so fucking much you wanted to do with your life but is  also ridiculously unfair because you’re not getting any wiser either. You see  all these different things you’d like to do and try which you probably won’t  have time for, but you wish you did. You look at the contrasting pictures of how  life is, how you’d like it to be, and how it’s probably gonna be and you get all  mixed up and your chemicals starting milling around trying to figure out what to  do and the next thing you know you are suddenly crabby and having an argument  with your significant other in which you are bitching and moaning and whining  because you never have enough fucking time for anything!

And she gets  all pissed off at you and the 2 of you shout and by the time it’s over you have  sex and she feels all bonded to you and secretly believes that she scored big  time bagging you because you have chemicals and you care about things.  What you care about that Mr. Boring Guy didn’t is not just how things are gonna  be but how you’d like them to be. Your whiny complaint about lack of time  indicated, underneath it all, that there are still things you believe in and  want to do and you care enough about them to get all crabby because you can’t  have them.

This is  exactly what boring people don’t do. They don’t look at how they’d really  like things to be. If you don’t look at that, it’s hard to generate chemicals.  And if you don’t generate chemicals, you don’t generate caring. And if you don’t  generate caring, you don’t generate love and attachment.

Boring  people don’t look at how they’d really like things to be because that isn’t the  way they are. Boring people figure it’s no use and it’s just painful to  think about how they’d really like things to be because yeah right, like that’s  really ever going to happen. And so they tamp down the contrasts in their  pictures, tamp down the emotion, tamp down the chemicals, and tamp down  everything else. Women will fucking hate you if you do that. If you’re not in  love with something that’s never gonna fucking happen, if you can’t be  irrational enough to manage that, how the fuck are you ever gonna be irrational  enough to be in love with them? You aren’t. They’re a lot harder to love than  your silly little dreams and if you are not man enough to handle having a few  dreams, you are probably not man enough to handle jack shit. At least that’s how  their evolutionary brain reasons.

Not only  that, they figure you’re not really gonna care when they’re not there for you  when your chips are down. Because all you ever think about is the daily details  of life and not the coulds and wish it was’s, so you don’t even bother to  imagine that anyone would ever truly fucking care for you. You’re all  practicality and no fantasy. Which means that whatever love they have for you is  pretty fucking useless since you don’t care anyway, right? Exactly the sort of  reasoning that generates chemicals all right – get me the fuck out of this  boring marriage chemicals.

This is  the essence of the Women Want A Man With Potential myth. People notice that  women always go for the guy with the dreams, that she seems to fall in love with  what he could be rather than what he is. What she is actually falling in love  with is his ability to generate big chemicals, what she is actually falling in  love with is his ability to love.

You may not  have a significant other, you may just want to attract one. But let me tell you,  if you run around unconsciously killing your own & other people’s How I  Wish It Was’s, in favor of I’m Sure You’ll be Impressed to Learn What A Secure  Job I Have, you might as well just make a fucking announcement to the  woman’s evolutionary brain – I will never fucking love you. The women you  attract with that gambit will be ones that don’t want to be loved. And there are  some. You might as well get used to going out with them.

You may  think that balancing your checkbook or taking care of business indicates love or  the desire to provide or be practical or take care of people and so on. It  doesn’t, not unless you combine it with chemicals. To avoid the abuse the boring  are eventually subjected to, you need to be clutching an improbable  dream, no matter how practical you are.

Let me  repeat, you do not have to run around being all fucking emotional all the  time. What you need to do is be clutching some improbable dreams hard enough  to let your desire for them leak out occasionally whether it be in crabbiness,  or enthusiasm, or irrational babbling. An improbable dream is not that you  will get the garage cleaned out this Sunday. An improbable dream is that you  could be a really good rock guitarist. Improbable. Not merely unlikely, like the  clean garage dream. Improbable means life-changing, life-enhancing, it does not  mean sorting your socks. Want something bad enough to get pissed that you  don’t have it. It’s not the getting it that’s important – it’s the wanting  it. A woman will put up with a lot of not getting from a man who displays a lot  of wanting. Turn some of that excess wanting toward her, and she’ll stick like  glue. That’s all there is to it.

The unfair  part for boring guys (and women) everywhere is that there are good reasons why  you are not clutching your improbable dreams, advertising your chemicals, and  avoiding the scathing contempt of the people you will eventually marry. The  reason is that you already have an improbable dream.

The  improbable dream is that you will be loved. This little fucking dream has  become so improbable in your mind that you don’t even fucking bother to haul it  out of your heart and spit-polish it occasionally. You don’t even really look at  the sucker, because what’s the fucking use? You have buried it and don’t look at  the pictures it produces. But it leaks out anyway. It leaks out anyway and what  it announces to the woman who is not only going to divorce you but divorce you  with great bitterness is that it’s never gonna fucking be about how much you  love her, it’s always going to be about whether she loves you. And no matter how  much she does, it’ll never be enough because you won’t even look at the  fucking improbable dream long enough to tell if it’s fucking coming true.

A buried  dream can’t come true.

You can’t be  satisfied by getting something you have given up even fucking wanting. If you  don’t experience the wanting, the getting will be absolutely fucking useless.

To put it  another way, you are a boring guy because you didn’t get enough love as a  kid. If that’s not the worst fucking pathetic reason for a fucked up  marriage or fucked up love life I don’t know what is. And yet there you have it.  Happens all the fucking time. Happens more often than not. Happens to not quite  everybody but close enough. That’s just the way life is. It’s staggering how  many incredibly normally boring people fling themselves at me who have never  really loved anyone or had anyone love them back. I can’t fix all that in a page  or two, although god knows I would if I could. But I can lay it out for you so  you can decide what to do about it – such as ignoring it completely.

In your  route to boringness, you followed these steps. Unfollow everything in Step 1 in reverse order and you will eventually free yourself of this problem. If  for some reason you want to. Which you probably don’t.

Step  1: Be a kid. Look around at life. Realize that it is not the way you want it  to be. Realize there is nothing you can do about this. Figure that if you had  more love coming your way it would be more like you want it to be. Figure  that’s not going to fucking happen. Don’t tell anyone you want more love  than you’re actually getting – because that would jeopardize whatever love you  can actually obtain. Tell yourself that if anyone actually really loved you  enough, you would love them back so hard and so much. Practice this part on  your cat or dog or stuffed animals. Think about your situation a little.  Sigh. Get depressed. Realize that if you think about what you really want but  can’t have it can get really painful. Even more than painful, it can get scary.  The sensation of not having enough love to get what you want can feel a little  life-threatening. The sensation of not being able to give you the love you have  can feel just as life-threatening. Because it is. People need both. You  aren’t getting enough of either. Decide you don’t want your life threatened.  Stop thinking about what you really want. Stop thinking about more love. Make  do with what you have. Practice this philosophy endlessly. Promise yourself  that you can keep your dream of having all the love you would ever need to get  everything you want – as long as you never bum yourself out by looking at  it.

Step  2: Grow up. Don’t even think about changing the practices it took you so  long to master. Keep your dream locked up like a stack of diamonds in a safe  deposit box. Get paranoid that people will find out about your dream because  it’s so fucking precious and valuable naturally they are going to want to  steal it away. Try to mate.

Step  3: Start thinking to yourself, my precious diamond dream of having enough  love to get whatever I want would look really good on this mate person. It’s a  beautiful diamond dream and this is a beautiful person. They would complement  each other perfectly. But I can’t take it out of the safe deposit box and  display it because it’s so fucking valuable they would probably try to steal it.  Maybe I should trust them. Maybe I shouldn’t. Here’s what I’ll do – I’ll decide  that if they prove, if they show me they really love me and I can trust them  then I’ll take it out. So I’ll keep hinting around that I have some  diamonds. But if confronted I’ll deny it. I’ll look for them to prove they  love me and then they can see my diamonds.

Step  4: Implement this strategy. Bring your little gifts, your little sweet  gestures, your little attempts to show affection, your small commitments, trot  them out as hints that you possess more where that came from – you have  actual fucking diamonds. When the other person suspects you might have love  diamonds you are hiding and confronts you in an argument or stressful situation,  when they try to find out if you really love them – vigorously deny it. Panic.  Pretend you don’t know anything about it. Lie hard. Act like you don’t love them  and you don’t care if they love you. Refuse to argue. Don’t get mad. Put  things in perspective. Focus on the practical. Calm things down. Get rational.  Argue on what is’s and not the what could be’s. Avoid the L-word. Feel  uptight and paranoid and inadequate and insecure. Figure these things will  just signal that you are hiding precious diamonds. Act like you don’t care. Stay  calm. Keep things on the surface. Don’t really ask them if they love you –  you don’t want to know. Try to act like you are just concerned about them  and not yourself. Distract them from thinking about your hidden diamonds by  focusing on them. Act like they need your help and not your diamonds. Try  to help them. Feel like a slug of cement when it doesn’t work and you  subliminally realize that at this rate they will never be worthy to see your  diamonds. Get worried that all your hiding and denying will blow things and  maybe they really do love you and they are the one you should show your diamonds  to. Feel guilty. Use the L-word. Try hard to get along. Be nice. Smooth  problems over. Keep things light. Keep things practical. Be glad you are not  dealing with the harrowing business of pulling valuable diamonds out of a safe  deposit box. Be glad you didn’t trust them before. Repeat endlessly.

Step  5: Experience ever-escalating abuse and criticism as the one you have mated  with pokes and prods you for those goddamn fucking diamonds you hinted at.  Experience their anger and betrayal at your false promises. Listen as they tell  everyone, including you, how you never really loved them, never really cared,  how you were unsupportive, ungiving, uncharitable, unsympathetic, uninspiring,  and they fucking despise you. Clam up. You are certainly not going to show  your diamonds to someone like this. Make a vow to yourself that they could  kill you before you’d show them your diamonds. Watch them try. Realize  how incredibly fucking right you were not to pull any fucking diamonds out of  their safe place. Think to yourself that everything they have said about you  just proves how wrong they were. You are incredibly loving, you have secret  diamonds. They just don’t know about them.

Step  6: Get left, get divorced. Get taken to the cleaners. Get lonely. Start  thinking to yourself ‘you know if I could find the right mate, I bet my secret  diamonds would look really good on them.’ Start cautiously looking. Do not  realize this will never work. Do not realize that no one knows about your secret  diamonds, as far as they are concerned they don’t fucking exist. You may pull in  another sucker with your hints, but the reality is, you have no fucking  diamonds until you pull them out of the goddamn fucking safe deposit box  and start using them. Completely fail to realize this and get yourself into  exactly the same type of relationship you had before. Repeat endlessly.

That’s your  steps. They are incredibly logical. They make complete sense and are not only  sensible but sane. You were not stupid to follow them, or irrational, or a dweeb  or defective. The only problem is they don’t work. Of course, you don’t fucking  want to commit to loving someone else until they love you first, because as you  know from experience, it fucking sucks when someone doesn’t love you. But  logical as it is, it’s an endless loop. No one is ever really going to fucking  love you until you can commit to loving first. This is hideously unfair,  inconvenient, risky, and painful. Also it’s terrible. But that’s just the way it  is.

So you  unfollow the path that got you here – in reverse order. So you start off by  loving something small and not life-threatening. An improbable dream. You don’t  start off back at the beginning when you were a kid and there was nothing you  could do and the situation was life-threatening. You start off now and you  follow step 1 in reverse order. You pull out your fucking diamonds and look at  them. Dust them off and look at your dreams. They’re nice. You like them. Some  are old and can be discarded or remounted in a prettier setting or what have  you. Spruce the fuckers up. Maybe you don’t still want to be a  professional baseball player. On the other hand, maybe it’s good to remember  your passion for baseball and how much you love it. Examine your dreams. Get a  little excited.

Then realize  that you don’t need all the fucking love it would take to get everything you  want – but you could sure do with a lot more than you’re getting. You’ve been  making do with nothing but the fake collateral of some old diamonds. Hell you’ve  lived this fucking long without love – you can live awhile longer. But it sure  would be nice to have it.

Realize then  you don’t have to fucking make do with what you have – you can go for more.  Start thinking about more love. Giving and receiving. Coming and going. In and  out. It’s not such a terrible thing. Think a lot more about what you really want  out of life. Realize your life is not actually threatened. If someone doesn’t  love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you. If you love someone and they don’t  love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you. If you tell someone you love them,  show it, reveal it, and they don’t love you, it’s not going to fucking kill you.  Get used to this idea. It will take awhile. A long while. Realize that if  they do love you, that won’t kill you either. Get used to this idea. It will  take awhile. A long while.

Realize that  love could be painful. It could lead and will lead to wanting things you don’t  actually have at the given moment. Big things. Improbable things. Chemical  things. Scary things. Realize you can handle it. Practice. Increase your  tolerance for pain. Realize that you had very little before. Realize how  shut down you were, how you dismissed everything and made it boring. Realize  your bitch of an ex-wife was right. Say to yourself – ‘what do you fucking know?  She was right all along.’ Don’t worry about it. That was then, this is now.

Get  depressed, get un-depressed, deal with it. Swing wider in your thoughts, higher  and lower in your reactions. Start fucking loving life. Stop fucking caring  whether you ever find someone you can show off your diamonds on, hell, you are  having too good a time with them yourself. Find someone you do love anyway, and  give them your diamonds. Get all fucking happy when they accept them. Live  happily ever after. Enjoy.

And you  thought life was complicated.

About tradeadept

My trading journal in trading Forex
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