If you’re a single guy thinking about getting married, might I suggest, based on my experience, that you marry a woman who possesses the following 10 qualities?
1. So smart she constantly freaks you out with her humongous Absorb-O-Brain. Upside: Hanging around with a smart person makes you smarter. Up to a point, of course. But still. Downside: Smart people remember everything. Pretty mixed blessing.
2. So wise she makes Confucius look like Goober Pyle. Upside: Your own private oracle! Downside: Wise people are extremely good at anticipating the outcome of things that slightly less wise people do. Not entirely gratifying.
3. So perfectly matches your idea of heart-stoppingly gorgeous that just looking at her wipes every thought out of your head. Upside: Constant aesthetic revelation. Downside: It’s rude to stare.
4. So compassionate she regularly makes you feel like Ivan the Terrible. Upside: Constantly getting to see the highest aspect of human nature in action. Downside: Basically stuck having to do the right thing all the time seriously cuts into TV-watching time. Not to mention savings account.
5. So funny you can barely stand it. Upside: Never-ending yuks! Downside: Getting all the jokes means really paying attention, always. Worth it — but still.
6. An indefatigable worker. Upside: Stuff gets done. Downside: Guilt interferes with naps.
7. The greatest artist you know you’ll ever meet. Upside: (Relatively) free art! Downside: A wife who’s driven by stuff you can’t even begin to understand.
8. Shares your spiritual values. Upside: The regular achieving of deep and mutual spiritual experience simultaneously realized. Downside: None.
9. Sure that the highest human prize available in this life is a good marriage. Upside: Willing to work to achieve a great relationship. Downside: Willing to make you work to achieve a great relationship.
10. Absolutely without agenda or ambition for you beyond that you’re happy. Upside: No nagging! Ever. Downside: You have to decide what really makes you happy. Much trickier than you might think.
So remember, guys. To ensure a happy, long-lasting marriage, all you have to do is marry a woman who is smart, wise, beautiful, compassionate, funny, hard-working, aesthetically inspired, spiritual, passionately desirous of a good marriage, and has virtually no “ambitions” for you beyond that you’re happy.